Notes on:
life, sexuality, fortune, poverty, pain, and Buddhism
January 8, 2008
The Weight of Separation
After my coming out I started losing weight. I've been somewhat overweight since puberty; a defense mechanism, perhaps, against unwanted sexual attention and general insecurity. On the magic day of my self-realization, the traumatic and uplifting day of transformation, all that seemed to change. My relationship with food became a non-issue. I ate well when I was hungry and abstained when I was not. Since then, I've lost a lot of the extra weight.
But the in-laws have come for a month-long visit, and I find myself putting on weight again. (Sigh.) I know why too, it's not a mystery at all. First, I'm not out to everyone, just to myself and my own little family unit. I'm in a heterosexual marriage, and I'm still getting used to the idea of being gay and married to a man. At this point I'm still not sure how it's going to all work out. So the last thing I want to do is get everyone involved, particularly the in-laws.
Second, I'm not always comfortable around my mother-in-law. She's great, and really kind hearted, but she's notoriously introverted and depending on how she's feeling she might not say much at all. I end up feeling shut-right-down when I share something and get a sort of null response. What's worse my husband falls into old patterns around her and, like her, will just "check-out", and be in the room but mentally not available for conversation or help when help is needed.
The result is the feeling that I'm a sort of ghost in my own house. I'm there, but people can only hear me, see me, care about me when they decide to be present. The instability of it drives me crazy.
I've tried centering and found some solace in that. Mindfulness of the Three Characteristics (suffering, impermanence, no-self) helps. But I am constantly amazed at how desperate I am for love and acceptance. Inadvertent, unexpected, unrepentant snubs at irregular intervals just seem to destroy my love of self. Is it really such a shallow thing as to be obliterated by temperamental lack of acknowledgment? And just when I finally thought I had enough love in myself to face my greatest personal secret: being gay. Is my maximum really so small? My increasing girth is testament to its tragic insufficiency.
Perhaps the most poignant realization, however, is how amazingly hurtful it is to believe we are a separate self. I am alone, therefore I must be vulnerable. Others do things and I assume that I, my-self, am the object of the action, and accordingly I suffer. Where-oh-where is a little more equanimity when you need it?
I am about to go on another round of vacation with the "crew". Mission for the week: find strategies for remembering not to take it personally!
Samyutta Nikaya, XXXVII.34 Growing in conviction & virtue, discernment, generosity, & learning, a virtuous female lay disciple such as this takes hold of the essence within herself. - translation by Thanissaro Bhikkhu -
New years have never been a time of resolutions for me. It never made sense to save your planning for one day of the year. Self-improvement is almost an obsession, a practice of slow-simmering perfection. I could never relegate it to just one day of the year.
Still today I feel strangely repentant, as though the pledged reformation of humanity has passed to me through the breath, and I've sucked in a lungful of "shoulds". I find myself thinking of the aspects of my life, my own characteristics, that are most important to me at this time.
Living my Personal Truth, my moral compass, is probably first on my list. In 2007 I made vast improvements in being able to read my own moral compass and follow it. Not to say I still didn't make mistakes. I certainly did. But it's clearer now, what is "right" and "wrong" for me, and that's a giant step in the right direction.
Coming to terms with my sexual orientation is another one. It was more than a small shock to realize that I am actually a gay woman in a heterosexual relationship. It explained a lot about the sexual awkwardness of my marriage, however. This year will be one of reconciliation with myself. And forgiveness.
It's also a year of new beginnings. This is year one of the seven-year plan for financial independence. I have to say I'm more excited by this than by my Masters dissertation and related research odd-jobs. Every time I sit down to work on my empire-in-the-making the work flows so easily out of me. I wish everything could move with such passion.
And finally, and perhaps most importantly, there is my spiritual development. With moral compass registering more strongly, this is really going to be about practice. There isn't a way around it. Practice is the only thing that makes for spiritual progress. If there were a shorter way about it, I'm sure the Buddha would have confessed. There simply isn't. If the goal is Unbinding, then the path is meditation, and the Buddha knows I don't do enough. No resolutions; but I'm thinking about it.
If I had to qualify my hopes for 2008, I would say that I hope to "take hold of the essence within [my]self". 2007 only scratched the tip of the iceberg. There is a mountain to discover below.
Name: This Woman Alone About Me: I am one woman, trying to stay awake as my life rushes past. I do my damnedest to get it right and have stopped counting the successes and failures. These are my reflections on the whole gory show. See my complete profile
