Notes on:
life, sexuality, fortune, poverty, pain, and Buddhism
February 12, 2008
Lonely and Alone
I'm in it again; that slightly desperate feeling of being misplaced. The feeling is a heavy, gloomy one, like mud sucking at your boots. Appropriately I've dressed in grey today, though it doesn't fit with the impending sunshine of Africa's tropical weather. Even my happy yellow book-bag doesn't brighten the atmosphere this morning.
The gloom and wretchedness awoke with me this morning. In fact, I think it came to bed with me and stayed the night. I know what it is, too. It's that tortured place between the need for unconditional love and freedom from bonds. While on the surface it's the arena for my mixed-orientation marriage, the darkness comes from a much deeper place.
I often feel the pull to be alone. I'm no longer much of a "social person". I love my friends and spending time with them, but I have very little interest in parties and general social gatherings. They seem fake, plastic. Everyone puts on their best face and dons their manners instead of their integrity. And they drink, so eventually the integrity, or lack thereof, bleeds through the facade anyway.
But it goes beyond that. I often feel the need to disappear even from my friends and family. Not for long periods, but for a day or two at a time. I can't, of course. My house is small and my girl is still just a baby. Playing at Houdini is not a realistic option. Sometimes I feel caught, unable to escape from the situation and the people, and that's when I fall down the long hole of my own melancholly.
Even when I do let my mind imagine the possiblity of escape from the hardest parts, to not be married, to really be alone, I find no relief. As much as my psyche hollers for the release of the tension of the relationship's difficult aspects, there is as much darkness in the thought of being alone. Who will love me then? To whom would I turn when I seek comfort and reassurance? The idea of aloneness is just as dark; no relief there.
Both paths are valid, and both hard. I mused to myself on my morning stroll to work that suffering is ubiquitous. None of the above, and no path at all is without suffering, save the Noble Eightfold Path. The thought lent me a sense of humour, but didn't relieve the ache. Of course I suppose it is as important to remember that impermanenece is equally as ubiquitous: and this too shall pass, both the feeling and the situation. I wonder if that is enough to grant me the will to enjoy the moments as they are?
I found your blog through Dharma Overground. I resonate with your words that, like blood, come through the screen and bleed into me. Keep up the stillness and inquiry!
You haven't posted in a very long time. But I just found this blog. I hope you feel better these days. Have you learned that the Noble Eightfold Path is not without suffering. The suffering ends with achieving the end of the path - Nibbana.
Name: This Woman Alone About Me: I am one woman, trying to stay awake as my life rushes past. I do my damnedest to get it right and have stopped counting the successes and failures. These are my reflections on the whole gory show. See my complete profile
I found your blog through Dharma Overground. I resonate with your words that, like blood, come through the screen and bleed into me. Keep up the stillness and inquiry!